I have been a psychic medium all my life.
But this does not mean that I do not grieve when someone I love dearly passes away.
I was very very close to my grandmother,,hers was a love I did not receive from anyone
else,ever, her gentle touch and quiet voice made being with her my safe haven from a stressful
and fearful world.
A world that was abusive and fearful.
My abilities were recognized by her and she gently encouraged me to accept them and grow,
she was never afraid of them or acted like I was ‘different’.
We spent many days talking laughing and playing in her house and yard.
Her attic was a magical place that I would spend many hours in looking through the old books playing the old records she had and transporting myself to a safer gentler place in my imagination.
I never wanted to go home after staying with her.
Every time I would leave she would come over to me she always put her hand on my arm
and stroked my hair,,leaning close she would give me a small kiss on my cheek three times..”muah muah muah” she would say,and pat my back which always made me laugh because they were mostly air kisses.
The smell of her perfume would remain with me for a bit until I saw her again, this was comforting all by itself.
I remember a conversation we had when I was about 17 years old,we were in the car waiting
for her friend to come out of the store.
She said to me “You know Chrissy I don’t have much longer on this earth”, to which I responded
“Okay just don’t die in the car”..
She said “well if its ok with you I would like to visit you once and awhile after I go”.
I told her she had better visit me,and we agreed if it was “ok” she would come to visit me now and again.
The home was quite a way to get to, so I only saw her a few times a year.
I was devastated when they sold her house, my haven, I guess I held out hope she would
someday come back again but she had been suffering small strokes and had a hard time caring
for herself and had basically forgotten everyone’s name, and who they were,so she needed to
One early morning in 1987 I awoke to feel a presence at my side,a hand on my arm.
I knew there was someone there I felt the presence clearly.
Frustrated because I was exhausted from working a double shift at my Nursing job,I tried
my best to ignore the presence and got up to get a drink of water.
I still felt the presence of a hand on my arm when I stumbled back into bed..I was exhausted
and remember saying to seemingly no one…
“I will talk to you tomorrow I am so tired”.”Please understand”.
I just did not make the connection.
I have done this before with spirits who come to me in the middle of the night.
I fell back asleep and dreamed:
I dreamed I saw my Grandma in a small room looking out the window,she was resting in a rocking
chair and was holding her head in her hands..she looked so small and frail,,I asked her “whats
wrong are you ok?” she said “Oh Chrissy my head hurts”.
I asked her in the dream if she wanted an aspirin and she said “don’t worry about that now, I’m going away”.
“I told her please don’t go away” but she said nothing, and didn’t move.
I woke up and almost fell out of bed.
My first thought was of the spirit who had been in the room the night before,,”Grandma”
I said out loud..”oh no”.
About 15 minutes later my father came in and told me she had died.
It had been her coming to tell me she was going. She had wanted ot say goodbye and touch me one more time before she went.
If I had not been so tired I would have known much more.
When a person dies, in the beginning of their journey
they can have a hard time appearing to or communicating to others,,this must have been the case
with Gram,,I was furious with myself for being so tired I did not want to take the time to help
her communicate. In hindsight I give myself a break but then I was utterly despairing.
I asked her to please come back again as I wanted to see her so very much.
I see spirit on a daily basis but I did not see her.
A week went by and her wake was upon us,,I was extremely uncomfortable at her wake as I am at
most wakes,lots of spirits there,,but not hers..I began to wonder if she was mad at me for going
back to sleep the night of her death.
Her funeral came and went,,I asked her day and night to come back and visit me again..nothing.
I almost gave up hope.
I certainly felt like a failure of a medium.
You know when we lose someone we are so very close to the process of grief is a long and hard one,
everyone is different and goes through the process in a different way and takes different time periods to do so.
But it is a process we must go through.
As a medium I have helped people go though this process, to let go,but to also understand our loved ones are not completely gone we will see them again.
For me it was doubly frustrating, knowing I see spirits but being unable to see her or hear
her was really getting to me.
I worked as much as possible to keep myself occupied.
One night after work I decided to sit outside on a lawn chair and look up at the trees,me and
Gram used to do this often we both love trees!
I prayed “please God let me know she is okay,,please let me hear from her I miss her so much.”
Even though I was outside and in a lawn chair I fell asleep,,I woke up and it was dark, I was
in that funny state between sleep and awake and heard a noise next to me.
I adjusted eyes to see who it was..I felt a hand on my arm, it was warm and familiar,before I could get up or say anything I heard the words.. “I’m okay Chrissy” “I love you and I will always be around”.
I felt the soft kisses on my cheek three times and a pat on my back.
It happened so quickly I barely had time to react.
As I sat up in hopes to catch a glimpse of her but I only heard the wind through the trees,she was not there.
It was then I smelled the distinct scent of her perfume which stayed with me for the rest of the night.
I know my Grandma moved on into the light,,I know she took some time to do so,,but I also know she came and said goodbye to me. In her own time.
It is something I treasure and will treasure my entire life.
You see spirit cannot be forced,,be careful when you ask for signs from your loved ones whether through a medium or through yourself.
Be respectful of them and consider they may need time or a certain way to do this.
Don’t be so upset if a medium cannot connect with your loved ones sometimes they just don’t come though…forcing does not help.
We can’t make anything happen mediums who tell you they can are wrong it has to happen naturally and with cooperation.
I don’t know why my gram took so long to come back after the initial visit and may never know,,theories can be discussed about it till doomsday I am happy only for the fact she did come back.
Remember this, love does not die,,we are made in love, and through love we exist so we cannot die.
Look for the signs from those you love who have passed on,,give yourself time and them time, you will
find the signs if you are open to them coming in their own way.
They will come and kiss you goodbye if you are open to believing they live forever.