“Prayer needs your attention” “Perception Matters”

I used to pray.

I used to pray from fear.

I used to pray from sorrow.

I used to pray from defense.

Many times my prayers were nothing more then a series of statements in which I begged.

Begged a god to spare me…to beg a god spare my children.. beg to explain to me why he/she despised me so much. Since my life was so…painful…so uncertain..so much of a battle. 

My prayers were nothing more than a series of words to a god whom I felt was absent most of the time yet present enough to be very very angry with me.

 

I never really knew why.
But I believed god or goddess was angry and that was what mattered.

 

Childhood forms a lot of our ideas, our fears and hopes. Childhood sets the stage for who we will be later in and what we will do. 

My childhood wrought with an angry father and a mother who was about one person herself set the stage for this child to feel unloved guilty and deserving of a life of ‘paying’.
So it transferred to god.

My image of god was that he/she was similar to my parents.

And that was not good.

 

I prayed once tears in hand and asked god to show me what he/she was really like.

An analogy appeared in my head it went as follows:

 

“There were two men. Both had wonderful jobs beautiful loving wives and fine children.”

The first man let’s call him Adam.
Adam 
prayed faithfully and attended Church weekly.

Adam just knew god loved him.

Adam liked his job he liked his beautiful wife, Eve, he liked his children.

But Adam did not understand that his wife felt like Adam was so preoccupied with his job and making money that he failed to pay attention to her.
Once, there was  a love between them that was true and strong.

They would laugh and spend hours together whether with just each other or with the kids.
They had enjoyed each other and enjoyed each other’s company.  
But now she had felt ignored and unappreciated.
She was thinking of leaving.

Adam was too busy to notice. He ignored her pleas to sit down and talk things out.

One day his company filed for bankruptcy, he lost his job.

Angry and despondent Adam began to drink.
When he drank, he became mean and belligerent.
Eve could not take it any longer and so she left taking the kids with her.
Adam upon learning his family was gone stormed into the Church his fist clenched screaming “God why?” “Why did you let this happen” “I lost EVERYTHING” “I am so angry with you God until you restore everything I will never set foot in here again”.

 

And he left to lead a miserable angry life.

The second man let’s call him Seth.
Seth 
prayed faithfully and attended Church weekly.

Seth just knew god loved him.

Seth liked his job he liked his beautiful wife, Marion, he liked his children.

But Seth did not understand that his wife felt like Seth was so preoccupied with his job and making money that he failed to pay attention to her.
Once, there was  a love between them that was true and strong.

They would laugh and spend hours together whether with just each other or with the kids.
They had enjoyed each other and enjoyed each other’s company.  
But now she had felt ignored and unappreciated.
She was thinking of leaving.

Seth was too busy to notice. He ignored her pleas to sit down and talk things out.

One day his company filed for bankruptcy, he lost his job.

Angry and despondent Seth began to drink.
When he drank he became mean and belligerent.
Marion could not take it any longer and she left taking the kids with her.
Realizing the extent of what was going on Seth rushed to Church and began to cry.

“God why?” “Why did you let this happen” “I lost EVERYTHING”
“I won’t leave here until you show me why this happened.”
He stayed in Church and he wept bitterly for over 3 hours.
Looking up to the heavens he thanked god for what had happened saying 
“Thank you god because now I understand I was so preoccupied with my job and making money that I failed to see the love my wife and kids have for me.” “thank you god,for if I had not lost my job I would never have noticed”.

Leaving the Church he saw Marion he rushed into her arms. “I’m sorry Marion I am so sorry I had become so intent of making money and being a great success that I did not realize what my greatest gifts were.

He left with Marion and lived a long life with just enough to get by but he was the happiest man alive and thanked god every day.

The question is:

 

Which god was nicer? Adam’s god or Seth’s god?

 

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By "Kiss Me I'm Psychic"

“When a loaf of bread becomes a feast” Lessons learned from Poverty

When a loaf of bread became a feast…I was homeless and having one slice of bread it felt like having Thanksgiving dinner.

When I would dig through the garbage cans praying that somehow someone dropped their wallet in the can, stuffed with money.
I never found one.
God, I have learned is not that kind nor is God that miraculous..
In my life anyway.

The looks of disdain,the glares of fear and stares of judgment from passerby engraved in my heart to this day.
 “You’re disgusting and dirty” They cried.
“Get a job” spoke more.

Fleeting glances of fear as if somehow my poverty was catching as people widened the gap between us, or crossed the street to keep away from me. Away from my “poverty”.

When I would Sleep in the back of the car ( a luxury) .
Legs bent in the most awkward of positions because in a car you can’t stretch out your legs.
Never quite resting,,,never quite getting that REM sleep your body craves and needs.
Never ever forgetting the sound of tap tap tap on the window as the old white guys who always seemed to troll nearby stood and offered me “10 bucks for a blow job”.
“No thank you really I’m fine”

Finding your way to a cheap apartment, accepting the help from Welfare because let’s face it overwhelmed,is overwhelming and it  is too much to bear..tears streaming down my face as they take my picture:
“Don’t cry miss you’re messing up the photo” she said.

Never ever replacing the loss of pride and dignity that day.
Many people have made sure of that as well.

My life up to then was a travesty.

Drunken parents.

Abusive Father.

Manipulating me emotionally over and over and over again.
Brandishing control simply because he had the job.
He made the money.
He brought the food in the house.

So I ran.

First time  I was 11. 
Sleeping in the bushes because sometimes it does get so bad that sleeping in the bushes is better then being ‘home.’

More to follow 13 15 18 but by then I was free.

Or so I wished.

By the time I was 21 I was done.
I had been overwhelmed all my life and could not stand up to life very well.

Many times I would shake my fist in the air and shout “Why God Why?”

 

It wasn’t like  I did anything.

Sitting in my car one day. I had this wonderful Delta 88 it was old then its fossilized by now.
it was roomy and made a fairly decent house.

No money no food.
I managed to scrape together 5 dollars.

Sitting in my car in the front of “Dunkin Donuts” having just purchased a combo of coffee, a sandwich and a doughnut.
Back when 5 dollars got something for you. 
I remember it like it was yesterday tears running down my face, sitting watching the rain.
Holding my treasure of food and coffee for a bit longer before eating it just to have it longer.

Poverty does something to a person.

Angry at God at life at my lot in it wondering why at 21 I was here in a parking lot treasuring  a combo like it was life itself.
Why, I demanded was I robbed of everything before I had even had a chance to have it.

“Why God Why?”
“Why me” 

Feeling rather sorry for myself and perhaps rightfully so.I noticed a man come around the car and head towards the front door to the restaurant.
His coat was at least 2 sizes big for him. His face was covered by a beard unkempt and spattered with white.

His shoes  are what struck me. The right sole of his shoe was hanging on by a thread it flapped up and down as he walked.

He ambled up to the garbage can and started to rifle through it.

People were walking into and out of the restaurant many widening the gap between he and they.
He did not seem to notice.
A used bag of potato chips appeared in his hand he picked through the last remaining chips tore it open and began to lick the insides of the bag.
People looked on with disgust.
My mouth dropped open and I was frozen for a few moments.

It was guilt maybe or responsibility that came over me. Perhaps it was deepened because I had been in his shoes.
Or thought I had.

Before I could think I was on my feet outside the car and standing in front of him,my coffee and doughnut in my hand outstretched toward him like I was offering food to the god’s.
“Here” I said nearly unintelligible
“This is for you”….

His eyes betrayed a fear but sparkled nonetheless.

He stood there and said nothing just looked at me with half a smile on his face.

“Here” I said again pushing my hands out towards him my gift prepared to be received

“No” he responded turning away.

“God wants you to have that”.

 

 

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By "Kiss Me I'm Psychic"